8 Steps to Overcoming Medical Anxiety and Preventing the Google Downward Spiral – Advice from an Ovarian Cancer Survivor
By Dani Strumeier
A few weeks ago while I was doing my makeup, I noticed a bump on my right eye lid. I ran my finger over the bump to see if I could get a better idea of what it was. I’ve had a stye or two in my life, but those looked and felt different than this one, so I automatically ruled that out. I was quickly out of guesses, but still fixated on this unusual bump, and since I couldn’t automatically identify the reason for the bump on my own, I took to Google and started searching.
“Bump on eyelid” was the first thing I searched, and a bunch of possible diagnoses came up right away. Since I’m a self-proclaimed medical professional when it comes to my own health (which is an issue in and of itself – more on that later), I ruled out a few potential issues right away, but I struggled to rule in a diagnosis. I adjusted my search – “flesh colored bump on eyelid not stye.” My options were narrowed down now, and I even found an answer that aligned perfectly with my description – it was basically nothing! A normal bump that sometimes shows up out of nowhere and resolves on its own. I felt a wave of relief throughout my entire body - you know that feeling where you realize you haven’t taken a deep breath in what feels like an eternity? – ok, Google told me it’s not cancer, so it must not be cancer.
But the devil on my shoulder wasn’t satisfied with that relief, in fact, he was triggered by it – “keep going – search ‘lump on eyelid – cancer’” – queue evil laugh.
And so I did. And so began my downward spiral into Google hell and my self-diagnosis of eyelid cancer.
I’ve always struggled with anxiety, and this concept of “catastrophizing” isn’t something new for me, or even something that’s only come up since my ovarian cancer diagnosis in 2017. It’s mostly manifested in fears about my family being in danger or dying – the “if-my-mom-doesn’t-answer-my-phone-call-she’s-dead-on-the-side-of-the-road” kind of fear. I call frantically until she answers, or even resort to sending someone to her house to check on her – I don’t calm down until I know she’s safe.
Cancer gave me a whole new set of fears, but what I’ve learned (through therapy, A LOT of self-reflection and inward thinking) is that I handle the anxiety and uncertainty about cancer the same way I handle other anxiety – I don’t calm down until I know I’m safe, until I have answers, and by doing that, I actively choose the route that makes me most anxious because it’s also the route that makes me feel most in control.
Reading the eyelid cancer self-diagnosis story back makes me laugh and cringe at the same time – I can take a step back now and clearly see how irrational I became and how quickly I spiraled out of control. What’s most intriguing to me is how the adrenaline anxiety of digging myself deeper into the Google black hole made me feel in control, but the ultimate result was the complete loss of it. I spiraled so far out of control, I played out exactly how it would go when the oncologist confirmed it was cancer and told me I needed chemo again. I envisioned myself back in the chemo chair, but this time with a glass eye and a terminal diagnosis. I made myself sick with worry about this thing on my eyelid that Google had very convincingly told me was a stye, a nothing and cancer all at the same time.
If you’re anything like me and can relate, this isn’t anxiety that I think will ever fully go away. Whether you’ve been diagnosed with cancer, another kind of illness, or have your own medical anxiety for other reasons, this anxiety may feel like your worst enemy disguised as your best friend. Your mind thinks it’s being helpful, when in reality it’s anything but. It’s a consuming and frustrating part of the way I live, but it’s something I’ll deal with, I’m assuming, for the rest of my life. So while I don’t think I’ll ever be rid of medical anxiety, here are some ways I’ve found are helpful in preventing, at least, that Google downward spiral:
1. Take 3 slow deep breaths and ask yourself - do I really want to do this?
So often, we pick up our phones out of impulse as a safety net. We’re sick with fear, and we’re googling our symptoms before we even realize the phone is in our hands. Stopping to take 3 deep breaths before opening Google may bring you back to a mind state less driven by adrenaline. Then think – is this going to make me feel better?
2. Think about what Googling will accomplish for you
If it’s a means of feeling in control, ask yourself how often you truly feel in control of the situation after you Google.
3. Analyze what does make you feel better in that moment
I find making a doctor’s appointment to be a concrete, definitive way to get back into control, knowing I’m taking steps to get real answers from a real medical professional. If getting an appointment on the calendar is an instant way to relieve your anxiety, book it!
4. Leave your diagnosis to the experts
Remember, doctors spend years in school and in their fields. Before I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, I had pain in my pelvic area and sensed something was wrong. Since then, I’ve made the mistake (too many times to count) of assuming I know exactly what’s going on in my body, and 99% of the time since my diagnosis, I’ve been wrong.
5. Stop touching it!
I know this one is hard, but touching it is only going to make it inflamed, more uncomfortable, and draw more of your attention to the issue.
6. Think about the advice you would give to a friend in your shoes
What would you say to your best friend if she came to you with the fear that she had eyelid cancer? Be kind to yourself - you would give the same kindness and empathy to a friend that you hope for. But also be realistic, give yourself tough love when you need it.
7. Understand that not everyone will get it
But talk to the people you love openly about the struggle with this anxiety and fear. Opening up about it feels good.
8. Don’t be ashamed – we’re in this together.
You’re not crazy or alone, I promise.